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When y'all catch your child in a lie, information technology's natural to experience betrayed, hurt, aroused, and frustrated. Just hither'southward the truth: lying is a normal child behavior problem. It needs to be addressed, but for most kids, it's non a graphic symbol flaw, and it'south non an outcome of morality.

Instead, lying is the young and ineffective manner they choose to solve a problem. Rather than ready an underlying problem, your kid lies about it.

If your kid doesn't consummate his homework, he solves that problem past lying and telling y'all he did. If your child doesn't get dwelling before her curfew, she lies about why. Or almost where she was or who she was with. Lying is used to avoid consequences rather than confront them.

I believe that with kids, lying is used as a faulty problem–solving skill. And information technology's our job as parents to teach our children how to solve those problems in more constructive means. Sometimes that means addressing the lying directly, just other times it means addressing the underlying behavior that made the lie seem necessary.

In this commodity, I explain the diverse reasons why kids lie and how to handle specific lying situations.

Kids Lie To Avoid Trouble

Most often, kids lie to avoid trouble. Permit'south say they've gotten themselves into a jam considering they did something they shouldn't have washed. Perchance they broke a rule, or they didn't practise something they were supposed to do, similar their chores. If they don't accept another way out, rather than suffer the consequences, they lie to avoid getting into trouble.

Again, in my opinion, the primary reason kids prevarication is that they don't have another way of dealing with a problem or conflict. Sometimes it's the only manner they know how to solve a problem. It's a survival skill, admitting a faulty ane.

Kids Lie to Individuate From Their Parents

Sometimes kids employ lying as a way to go along part of their lives split from their parents. In psychology, we call this individuation, and information technology's quite normal.

At times it may fifty-fifty seem that they make upwards needless lies about things that seem trivial. It can exist baffling to parents.

And, of form, children lie when they call back the house rules are too strict and they determine to disobey them.

Allow's say yous have a 16–year–old who isn't allowed to wearable makeup, but all her friends are wearing it. So she wears it exterior the house, then lies to you near it. Lying may go a fashion for her to accept you believe she's following your rules and withal do typical teen activities.

Kids Prevarication To Plant Identity

Kids will use lying to establish an identity, fifty-fifty if that identity is false. This tin can be used to print their peers, perchance in response to peer force per unit area. Your child might prevarication to his peers about things he says he's done (that he hasn't) to make himself sound more than impressive. This is non unusual, and nosotros all know adults who still do this in ane style or another.

Kids Prevarication To Get Attention

When your child is immature, and the lies are inconsequential, this beliefs may merely be his way of getting a piddling attention. This is normal.

Younger children also make up stories during imaginative play. Empathise that this is not lying simply rather a fashion for them to engage their imaginations and first to make sense of the world around them.

So, when a small-scale child says, "Mommy, I just saw Santa fly by the window," I think it is very different from an older child who says, "I finished my homework," when he hasn't.

Kids Lie To Avoid Hurting Other's Feelings

At some indicate, most people acquire how to bend the truth in order not to injure other people'south feelings. If someone asks you if you like their new shoes, and y'all don't, y'all might even so say, "Hey, those expect keen on you" instead of existence completely honest.

But kids don't have the same composure that adults do, so information technology's frequently more comfy for them to lie instead. This type of lying is a first step toward learning how to say something more than advisedly.

Indeed, we teach our kids to prevarication when we say, "Tell Grandma you similar the nowadays even if yous don't because it will hurt her feelings otherwise."

We take a justifiable reason—nosotros don't desire to injure someone'south feelings who's gone out of their style for us. However, we are still teaching our kids how to bend the truth. And once again, this is normal.

Lying in Children is Not Usually a Moral Result

I don't believe lying in children is a moral outcome. Therefore, I recall information technology'due south imperative not to accept it personally if your kid lies.

Indeed, nearly kids don't lie to hurt their parents. They lie considering at that place's something else going on. The important office for you as a parent is to address the beliefs behind the lie. If y'all're taking it personally, you're probably angry and upset—and not dealing with the behavior that led to the lie.

Here's an instance. Permit'southward say your kid didn't do his homework, only he told you he did. When you lot discover out that he's lying and face up him, he confesses and explains that he was playing sports with friends afterwards school, and that's why he didn't do his homework.

At this point, you take a choice to make as a parent. Either you tin focus on the fact that your child lied to y'all, or y'all can focus on the fact that he did not complete his homework.

I strongly recommend that you focus on the underlying behavior—the homework not beingness completed. As your child improves the underlying behavior, the reason for lying volition get abroad. He won't need to lie.

In contrast, if you yell at your kid about the lying, about being betrayed, or about being disrespected, and so that'southward all you're going to be able to address. Your child volition close down. And you lot're not going to be able to deal with the real issue of your child ensuring that his homework is completed.

The bottom line is that your anger and frustration virtually the lie is not going to help your child change the beliefs (non doing his homework) that fabricated the lie necessary for him.

So lying is not strictly a moral event; information technology's a problem–solving effect. Lying is a lack of skills issue and an avoiding consequences upshot. Your child isn't lying because he is immoral; he's lying because he tin't figure out how to get his homework done on time.

Most kids know right from wrong—that's why they're lying in the commencement place. They don't want to get in trouble for what they've done, and they're using lying to solve their problems.

That means our kids need ameliorate problem-solving skills, and you can respond as a parent by helping them work on their ability to trouble-solve, which can be achieved with constructive consequences that teach your child how to trouble-solve.

Pick Your Battles: Focus on the Serious Lies

I believe it's the parent'due south job to decide which lies are serious and which are non. And the most serious lies pertain to unsafe, illegal, or risky behavior. Therefore, I recommend that yous pick your battles and focus on the serious lies.

For example, you may hear your child say to another child, "Oh, I like that dress," then subsequently on in the car, they tell you, "I didn't like that apparel." You lot might decide to confront your child almost this contradiction. Just you might also let information technology go, especially if this happens only occasionally.

But if they're lying about something risky or illegal or unsafe, y'all must address it. And if it's about risky sexual behavior, drugs, or other harmful activities—you may need to seek some assist from a professional.

So pick your battles. Focus on what's important.

What to Practise If Y'all Catch Your Child in a Lie

If you catch your child in a serious lie, I recommend that you exercise non react immediately. Instead, send him to his room and so yous tin can calm downwardly. Talk with your spouse or a trusted friend or family member and come upwardly with a game plan. Allow yourself time to think near how to handle the situation.

Think, when you respond without thinking, yous're not going to be effective. Then give yourself a little time to programme this out.

When you exercise talk, don't argue with your child about the lie. Just land what you saw, and what is obvious. You may not know the reason for the lie, merely eventually, your child might fill up y'all in on information technology. Again, but country the behaviors that you saw.

The chat might go something like this:

"I got a call from our neighbor. She saw you sneaking out of your window. And I noticed that you were falling asleep at the kitchen table this morn at breakfast. Simply you told u.s. that you were home all night."

And then say to your teen:

"At that place'due south going to be a consequence for that. Yous're not going to be able to stay over at your friend'southward house next weekend. And we're concerned about where you went."

Leave the door open for him to tell you what happened.

Recall, state what you lot believe based on the facts you accept. Do it without arguing; merely say information technology matter–of–factly.

"Nosotros accept this information, we believe it to be true, and these are the consequences."

Continue information technology very uncomplicated and listen to what your kid has to say, only be firm.

How to Address Chronic Lying: Stage a Lying Intervention

If your kid lies chronically or lies nearly unsafe, risky, or unhealthy behavior, I think information technology makes sense to accost the actual lying in addition to the underlying beliefs. Y'all can do this past staging a lying intervention.

A lying intervention is a planned and structured conversation about lying behavior. This chat lets your kid know what you've been seeing, and it gives you lot a chance to tell them that you are concerned.

Here are some things to keep in listen when staging an intervention.

Plan the Intervention in Advance

Retrieve nearly how y'all're going to intervene in advance. Plan it with your spouse or co-parent. If you're single, ask another shut adult family member to be in that location with you.

When this upshot came up with our son, my hubby James and I planned out what we were going to say, how we were going to react, and even where we were going to sit down.

Nosotros decided we were going to be as neutral and unemotional as possible. We identified the problem behaviors we wanted to address. Nosotros also decided what would be the consequences for our son'due south beliefs.

We did all of this alee of fourth dimension.

Exist Specific About the Lying Beliefs

When you lot're talking with your child, be specific about what you saw and what the problems are. State your intentions calmly and matter-of-factly:

"If the lying about homework continues, this will be the consequence."

"It's obvious you snuck out last night. In that location will be a consequence for that beliefs."

Recall, it has to exist a consequence that you can and will follow through with.

Keep the Intervention's Message Unproblematic

Keep it very focused and unproblematic for your child. Concentrate on the beliefs. And then tell him that yous want to hear what was happening that fabricated him feel he needed to lie.

Understand that you are non looking for an excuse for the prevarication, simply rather to identify the problem your child was having that they used lying to solve.

Be direct and specific. The intervention itself should be quick and to–the–point. Don't lecture your child for a long time. Call back that lecturing is not going to be helpful. Kids only tune that out. They've heard it over and over. They end listening, and nothing changes. Lecturing is ineffective.

Take Time to Listen to Your Child

Because lying is nigh probable the fashion your kid is trying to problem-solve, make certain you betoken that you lot want to hear what's going on with her. Permit your child to explain herself and exist prepared just to listen.

She may non exist ready to talk with you about it initially. Therefore, simply be open to hearing what your child's trouble is. You want to create a safe environment for her to open up to you.

Just if your child is not prepare, don't push her. Instead, simply reiterate that y'all are willing to mind whenever she wants to talk. Try to exist patient.

Related content: How to Talk to Your Child Nigh Lying

A Give-and-take about Magical Thinking

Exist enlightened that kids and adolescents are prone to engage in what psychologists call magical thinking. Your child engages in magical thinking when he convinces himself that his lies are true. Empathise that your child doesn't want to believe he's a liar. No ane wants to be known as a liar.

So you'll run across kids who've gotten caught smoking at school say, "No, I wasn't smoking"—even though the smoke is still in the air. That's magical thinking.

And when yous're a kid, you recollect that if you go along repeating the same thing over and over again, it will magically be true.

Moreover, if your child gets away with a few lies, he volition start thinking he should exist able to get away with them the next time. The lies become more and more arable—and absurd.

But it's your job as a parent to say in a thing–of–fact mode what you lot experience is the truth. Acknowledge the lie, but give the consequence for the behavior, non for the lie.

Conclusion

Realize that most kids are non going to lie forever. In all my years in working with adolescents, there were very, very few kids that I met who lied chronically for no reason. Commonly, kids don't prevarication arbitrarily; they have a reason for doing and so, no thing how wrong that reason might be. Your child does know correct from wrong, but sometimes he chooses to lie.

I understand that it's difficult not to accept lying personally or to exist disappointed when your child lies. But only remember, your child is trying to solve a problem ineffectively. Our job is to teach them appropriate and effective ways to solve issues and to coach them through these confusing years. Over time, they can acquire to do that without lying.

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Source: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-deal-with-lying-in-children-and-teens/